The one thing I should really start doing is to start writing straight after my visits to the psychologist! As we discuss a lot of things, I usually forget a huge part of the conversation. I do remember the main parts but there are a lot of little things that I forget when I’m writing after a few days following the visit…
Quite annoying for me and for those of you reading but I try to include everything important. This time we discussed why it’s important to do things that scare me, how to stop my binge-eating tendencies, how to practice meditation and why I deserve to relax and have me-time.
So, doing things that scare me… Everyone is scared of doing something. Some are scared to speak before huge crowds, others from spiders, etc. Every person has something that can make him jump or increase their heart rate near the danger zone. Some fears are normal, others not so much. My fears, for instance, are not normal. I can’t recognize myself anymore. Where is the person that used to enjoy listening to music, to watch movies, to read, to write, to dance?! I have no idea…
Yet, the lack of enjoyment is not what bothers me. I think it’s normal to experience less or no joy from things that you used to love doing when you’re emotionally unstable. My problem is that I’m, in fact, scared to do these things. Whenever I start writing a blog post, I feel like something has caught my throat and I can’t breathe. I guess I just don’t have the confidence that I can write, even though people are telling me that I have a gift. What’s worse – the lack of confidence is making me scared from everything and everyone. Yet, things have been improving because I’ve been facing my fears. Six months ago I couldn’t even go to the supermarket without sweating. Now, I go grocery shopping, meet new people, yet, I still procrastinate writing blog posts. However, I’ve been pushing myself lately and I think one day I will no longer feel this shortness of breath when it comes to my blog…
My binge eating and purging episodes (bulimia nervosa) … I’ve been really good with limiting the purging episodes, yet the binge eating has been uncontrollable this past week. As I mentioned before in one of the blog posts, I prefer to experience physical rather than emotional pain. Hence, I binge eat. I try to suffocate my feelings with food. It’s no longer even enjoyable. Before, I could just eat and purge afterwards easily. Now, however, my body actually prevents me from throwing up. It’s has become very painful which is good because that prevents me from wanting to throw up. What my psychologist advised me to do is to lay out all of the food I want to eat. When I see it, I should ask myself if I really want to put my whole body through this. Do I really want another stomach pain? Do I want to feel guilty again? It’s funny because I’ve actually asked myself those questions with no luck. Yet, when a professional tells me to do something, I actually listen…
Now, for the meditation! Truthfully, I’ve never really enjoyed mediation. I don’t see the point in it as I don’t know how to practice it. I can’t clear my head, hence yoga and mindfulness never really worked. Still, the psychologist gave me a very good idea that I think I’ll start practising. The idea is to be in the dark, alone with your thoughts and a candle. For five to ten minutes every evening, I should just focus on the candle and then close my eye. Whatever thoughts and worries I have on my mind; I should just accept them. Initially, it might not work as a way of meditation but afterwards, it might. Hence, I’m willing to actually give it a try!
Last but not least – why I deserve to relax? For the first time ever I actually told the psychologist why I can’t relax. In fact, this is the first time I was honest with myself as well. The truth is that I’ve been living with the thought that I don’t deserve to relax. In my mind, I’ve done nothing worthy to get the reward of full relaxation afterwards. I don’t work hard enough to achieve the things I want to achieve. I don’t help other people as much as I want to. There are people out there that are living far worse than me and I’m just sitting here, whining on my blog about my depression and anxiety… I have a roof over my head, I have my hands and feet, I have a beautiful friend, I have a father, an uncle, people that care about me. Yet, I still feel miserable and don’t have the strength to move on… So, why should I deserve to relax? Whenever I watch a movie, listen to music, my head is going to explode… I overthink, I’m anxious and I can’t fall asleep…
Do you know what my psychologist told me?
That my mindset is, pardon my French, fucked up. I’m a human being, I have one life and it doesn’t matter if I think that I don’t do enough. I deserve to relax – anytime, anywhere. I’m a human being and I should be able to enjoy my life. And you know what? I’ve never thought about it in this way. In my mind, I’ve been telling myself that you work hard Monday to Friday and then you can relax. And only after you’ve worked hard, you can have the reward of feeling relaxed… I’ve been living like this my whole life. Putting boundaries, not letting go, setting rules… I’ve driven people away by doing these things… Sadly, I’ve somehow managed to drive myself away, if that makes sense?
I need to be able to relax and I need to practice self-love.
It’s true, I am a human being and I deserve to enjoy my life!
There are far worse people than me out there that live happily and probably don’t deserve it.
Why shouldn’t I deserve it?!
YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY:
My Visit To The Psychologist: Part VI
My Visit To The Psychologist: Part V
My Personality & Psychological Test
SophieOctober 21, 2019
You seem to cover a lot of things in your sessions! I’m glad your psych has helped you with your bulimia and I hope you start to enjoy writing your posts again soon! x
Mariya ZafirovaOctober 22, 2019
Thank you for your kind words Sophie! x