‘Am I always going to be like this?’
That’s the question I asked during my visit to the psychologist this week.
Whenever something bad happens, I overreact. Since I was a child, I’ve always reacted the same way when I’m faced with an unpleasant situation. If the weather is bad, my brain switches off. Actually, no, it’s worse than that. I wish I could just switch my brain off. Maybe then I would be better at controlling my feelings…
Sadly, my brain doesn’t have an off button. Consequently, I have to deal with the emotional pain I’m causing to myself. What’s worse – I can actually feel that pain in my whole body, soul, heart! Imagine if your heart has been broken by your one true love and you have to deal with the broken pieces on your own. There is no one to turn to – no family or friends. You have to glue the pieces together all by yourself. To glue your whole heart back together and hope that time will heal the cracks.
Well, that’s how I felt again this week. Like my whole heart has been broken and there is no hope. And, trust me, I know what I’m talking about because my heart has been broken a couple of times. Yet, that’s not my problem here. Personally, I think it’s completely normal and understandable to feel like your whole life is falling apart when your loved one leaves you. However, I experience this emotional pain over and over again when something bad happens. By bad, I mean everything from receiving a bad grade in school to not getting a smile back from a stranger on the street. Now, this is not normal. It’s not normal to experience such a strong emotional breakdown that you’re willing to cause yourself physical pain.
So, I asked:
‘Am I always going to be like this?’
I was once again disappointed by someone this week. Eventually, I felt such emotional pain that I couldn’t bear. Consequently, I did what I always do – overeat. In situations like this, I eat so much that I literally cause myself stomach pain. Moreover, I cause it absolutely intentionally! As the emotional pain is far too much to bear I try to shut down my feelings by stuffing myself like turkey on Christmas Day. This might sound too extreme for some people but I really do prefer physical suffering. As my psychologist said: ‘there is no painkiller for your feelings’. If you have a headache, you take a painkiller. If your neck is stiff, you massage it. But what do you do for the emotional pain?!
My psychologist told me that we’re just human beings. Some people might not react in the way I do but most will try to get their minds off the pain one way or another. What I’m doing is bad, yes, but I’m trying to do it less. Actually, that’s true. I have been trying to go through my emotional sufferings by doing other things that I used to enjoy. Yet, I’m still causing myself physical pain. The good thing is that I’m finally realizing it. The bad is that I won’t just stop overeating or drinking. It will happen gradually but sometimes I’m afraid that that time will never come.
On the positive side, my bulimic episodes after overeating have gradually decreased. I think I’ve had a great improvement since I came back home in August. Hopefully, I’ll eventually just stop trying to shut off my feelings by stuffing myself. If I could do it before, I can do it again. Eventually, I’ll just find another, more productive and helpful way to deal with emotional pain. In the past, I used to enjoy so many things – reading, drawing, playing games, listening to music, riding a bike, etc. Now, I don’t feel the excitement and enjoyment I used to get from my hobbies.
However, I’m determined to get to the person I used to be. No, actually, I want to become the person I’ve always wished to be. Strong, determined, positive, kind, caring, selfless. One day, I want people to remember me by my good deeds, not my empty promises. This sounds a lot more depressing than it actually is! Actually, my depression and anxiety have massively improved. Still, I’m not where I should be in terms of my personal well-being but I’m getting there!
Until next time! 😊
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